Tech Giants Fall Victim to AYLIEN Invasion: AYLIEN announces 4 strategic acquisitions

Disclaimer:

The following press release is ficticious, while it is quite believable that we would acquire 4 of the biggest companies in the world, we were actually just having some fun with April Fools.

Press Release, 1/4/2015

AYLIEN, a content analysis company, based out of Dublin, Ireland, announced details today of their strategic acquisitions of a number of tech giants including Apple, IBM, Microsoft and Google.

The Market

There has been a lot of activity in the Machine Learning, Artificial Intelligence and Natural Language Processing market in recent times, so AYLIEN’s acquisition of four of the biggest players in the technology industry comes as no surprise to tech and financial analysts.

The takeovers add further to the disruption in an already exciting and rapidly growing space. Parsa Ghaffari, AYLIEN’s founder, has been quoted as saying “these acquisitions just made sense” however, he was unwilling to comment on the commercial details of the takeover.

The Details

The acquisitions, which have been dubbed #AYLIENINVASION, will have a significant impact on AYLIEN’s vital statistics:

• AYLIEN’s market cap is now valued at a staggering ~$1610 Trillion • Head Count at the 1,000 square foot Dublin HQ will grow from 7 to 660,219 employees • The company’s cash reserves will also increase significantly to ~$311 Billion

The Challenge

Ghaffarri also spoke about the challenge of integrating all of the disparate technology they have acquired into one “Super Intelligent Enterprise Huge Data Suite”.

“We have clear goals and ideas for what we want to do with the majority of the technology we have acquired. Our main challenge right now is, figuring out what exactly to do with the Microsoft technology… It’s likely we’ll leave it on the shelf.”

One thing he is clear on, however, is the rebranding of the technology, to “Spiral Loof” which Parsa mentioned was the names of his pet tortoise and hamster.

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